2nd February 2014
Odd feeling. Out-of-body. Where am I… where’s Cherie… the children?
He was lying on some sort of airbed, or seeming to float above it, surrounded by people he assumed were doctors. A lot of people. Must have had an accident. Well, at least I’m still here, he thought.
After a few moments concentrated silence the medical people started to speak. A clipped sort of English, like texting language.
“Yes, I’m fine”. He thought he’d spoken quietly but he heard his voice echoing. So did the watchers. They all covered their ears as though deafened. Messages were seldom passed in that primitive way.
He didn’t expect the next clipped words: “Mr Blair you bn brought back from dead. Procedure only recent perfected. Cannot yet be sure ift works proply. You second speriment. First failed. Be keeping you under obs for sm time bfore able to return to, erm… family.”
“What? Must have been a serious accident”, he suggested.
“No accident. Died… natural.”
“I died?” he gasped, incredulous. “Thank you. Thank you for… thank you so much. Can I ring my wife?”
An unedifying silence. Exchanging quick glances, they all turned and scuttled off in unison. All except one who pointed a microporation gun at his arm as she passed her hand across his face.
Weakening, he felt his eyes close. “I’ll find my mobile later and ring Ch…”
DR JEKYLL-HYDE CONSIDERS
Dr Jekyll-Hyde was in deep mind-to-mind conversation with a colleague.
“Deal was that when he wakes up we let him see all he did in first life, so that he cringes. That’s what my Great7 Grandmother Hyde insisted. Crowd-funding was easy. Called HydeGallowayMonbiotPile. Big pile. If we don’t see deal through must put body back to sleep for 250 more years. That’s deal.”
“Hmm. Until he cringes? Hardly.”
“You have to remember there was a meme. He was seen as ‘war criminal’. I know. You smile. Early internet days. All believed anything bad against authority figures.”
“What if he doesn’t cringe?”
“GrandmaHyde7 will turn in her grave.”
“Ahh, GH7? Wasn’t she
cryogenically cryonically frozen too?”
“Hmm”, whispered Dr Jekyll Hyde, “‘the Judgement of History’? Time to wake up the corporeal form, Grandma.”
GH7 awoke more slowly than did the former Prime Minister. Well, such was her habitual way.
Unlike Mr Blair’s her body had not been stolen by the WeAllKnowers after death. She had insisted it be deposited in the same hideaway as his. She didn’t trust him if he were beyond her all-encompassing reach.
In his medically induced sleep the 5 times prime minister had been informed via hypnopedia of his present condition, and that the year was well over 200 years later than he thought. He awoke with a start and a sinking stomach.
Laugh or cry? He was gripped with more dread and horror than Ed Balls & Gordon Brown had ever inflicted upon him in his Downing Street den. The medic at his side got a painful earful:
“Is this a joke? I don’t want this. I never asked for it. I just want to die like everyone else. For good. To be like my family. To be with them. And God.”
Only for a moment did he wonder why he had no memory of God or heaven. He must have seen him, been there. Relieved he had no memory of meeting the Devil either.
“All in good time, Sir. All in good time”, clipped the voice.
THE JUDGEMENT OF HISTORY
Why I dream of cryogenically freezing Tony Blair http://t.co/xBU5bY2Tl8
— Marina Hyde (@MarinaHyde) February 1, 2014
The newly revitalised “corporeals” of both GH7 & TB1 were fitted with head-encompassing equipment. Hardly New Age, thought GH7. We journos had things like this in the old days. It’s how we got our stories.
The machines purred gently into action. They were set to alternate snippets from each life. Both rewarmed former corpses were programmed to watch all reruns. In 2264 balance is considered of value.
Technician 1: “Robocrap will uncover all.”
Technician 2: “Result?”
Tech 1: “GH7’s life is still struggling to process. Glitches. Everywhere. The former prime minister’s is all in there. It says…
… Youngest UK PM in 185 years/3 times (record-breaking) election winner/New Labour/”Education x3″/NHS strengthened/Third Way/Minimum wage/Sure Start/Mixed economy/Extended parental rights/2 million lifted out of poverty/Freedom for Bank of England/London became world’s financial centre/Blairism/Blair Mark 2 aka David Cameron, Nick Clegg & Francois Hollande/Human Rights Act/Reliable ally of USA/Democracy/Equal Rights & opportunity/Social Justice/Civil Partnerships/Community Cohesion/Freedom of Information/Devolution to Scotland & Wales/Northern Ireland peace/Stopped bloodshed in Sierra Leone/Ended ethnic cleansing of Muslims in Kosovo/Interventionism/Iraq/Afghanistan/Religion empathy/world leader/decisions/love/hate/charities/business enterprises/agenda/Europe/Middle East/USA ally/Envoy for Israel’s & Palestinians’ Quartet/Multi Faiths Foundation/Africa/Governance/Sports Foundation/Climate issues…
… there’s more. List very long. Perhaps Robocrap cross-referencing. Surely this can’t be life of just one man?”
Tech 2: “What does it show for GH7?”
Tech 1: “Only The Sun/Piers Morgan/the sack/The Guardian/Lost/Celebrity/Elton John/libel/raspberry/Leveson oh and press robocrap. Then it repeats itself. No comparison to TB1. Balance necessary for fairness. Looks like RIRO. We can go no further.”
Tech 2: “Hmm. RIRO it is. Rubbish in – rubbish out.”
Marina Hyde (Wikipedia)
Tony Blair (Wikipedia)