“Blair, Tony” – Obituary, by George Dubbya
[Note: Since this page has proved popular since I posted it last night, I have copied it as a ‘post’ as you may have noticed. But I’ll leave this ‘page’ up because of some links already set up. ]
Comment at end of page
THIS IS A LOAD OF LIES
WELL?! … WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
I don’t know how many times you’re permitted, lawfully, to bury a man, especially when he’s still alive, but after the collapse of the cash-for-honours bit of fun and games, I’ve had a dig around the internet and … they try, they really try!
Although there is some acceptance of the dropping of this ‘case’ amongst those who were fairly sensible from the start, the right-wing rags and little bloggers are at it in force!
It’s clear they’ll only be happy when they read THIS kind of notice.
Mr A.C.L. Blair, Former PM, UK; Former World Leader; Exile to MoonBase
So, since the object of their communal hatred is clearly dead meat – I thought I’d post this little ‘fun’ obituary (an oxymoron, if ever I wrote one) which I knocked together some time ago at one of the illuminating Guardian Cif pages. You can read the original at Martin Kettle’s article . I wrote it in response to another offering, also available there.
Note: “See-I-Effers” – individuals who like to stamp their little feet to get noticed while shouting a lot and swearing a touch. They proliferate on the ancient British manuscript, The Guardian (Comment-Is-Free – this one’s live as I write)
Obitchewrarry by Dubbya, April 1st, 2476, MoonBase
Earth people. I’m sending this message straight into your minds cos Tony said that’s what you’re used to.
Tony Blair checked out today, earth time, twenty after sumptin …
When the end came it was peaceful, and dignified, and the speech didn’t go on too long. I have to confess I had to wipe away a tear, from his eye.
His last words were, “don’t let the *See-I-Effers get you.”
I told him I ‘d do my best.
We’ve spent a lotta time up here in MoonLand and did a lotta thinkin’. Well, HE did the thinkin’. Anyways, since time was kinda standing still for Tony, and he’d gotten tired of reversion therapy, he decided it was time to go in search of The Big One.
“Just one more little challenge”, he said. He was always up for the next challenge. What a guy!
When they first sent us up here, things didn’t look so good. We’d mussed up a bit on earth, they said, and this was the safest place for us.
Luckily they’d sent all the intellectuals with us – those who didn’t want to hang us next to that Saddam guy. So it didn’t take long for us to perfect the art of non-tactile procreation. Our wives would have hitched a lift and killed us if we’d tried any funny stuff.
For a couple of decades all the kids were boys, because we couldn’t get our brains into this feminine way of thinking. We worked it out when Polly Toynbee and David Cameron got it together on the inter-intercourse-internet. That was the clincher. You need to think ‘love, caring and caravans’. Then it all works out just great. We had lots of little girls then. Shame they look just like us!
At the moonbase Center for Inter-World Comprehensibility, Connectivity and Fromage Frais, our scientists worked out that a combination of chemicals with Tony’s sweat meant that we could control time. That’s why he looks about 35 earth years now, as you can see on your front centergerbil tangent. He was actually 523 moontime at checkout and I’m a few echells older. Or is that younger? Can’t remember whether I’m in reverse mode or not at this time. Tony was always good at this. Knew which way he was going.
How the HELL am I gonna manage without him?!
I know the earth court gave us a pardon after 248 years so we could return and see how much people trusted their politicians when they realised that we weren’t as evil as they’d thought. But, to be frank, we just couldn’t tear ourselves away from the lifestyle here. And keeping that moon-to-earth climate pipeline in order is a full time job. I might be a sort of lone parent in a brotherly, uncley sort of way, but I am proud of all the kids.
Tony’s 10,000,000 are bright, of course, and mine are handy with a screwdriver.
Last time we looked at your little place it seems the ozone hole has closed and its climate’s now carbon-neutral, whatever that means. Tony did a good job before they shipped us up here. You’d think they’d have let us off after he’d saved the world, huh?
God, I’m gonna miss that guy.
We heard through the inter-internet that the earth world’s now divided up into three chunks – the Goodies, the Baddies and the See-I-Effers. Could never quite get a handle on the See-I-Effers. Tony said they’re only happy when they’re complaining. That must be an earth trait. None of our moonlings are like that. I guess it’s cos Tony’s are like him, ever optimistic, and mine just like shootin’.
I’m sure gonna miss him. Did I tell ya that?
But when I look at all his kids, how can I forget him?
Which reminds me, can one of you send me back a brain-to-brain signal about the situation in the MidEast? I’ve been real worried about it. I hear they’ve run out of moose in Kentucky. And someone told me Ohio’s gone democrat. S**t!
I’ll close now with a message I just received telepathetically from your earthworld government. I know the Europhillies missed the boat when they wouldn’t listen to Tony about geo-politics and stuff, but still, your new guys sure make my English look real good.
In Memoriorium to Tony; my friend.
George Dubbya Bush (former President, former USA)
如果托尼・布萊爾回歸毀壞! 毀壞! 毀壞! 一次不是足够。
Translated from the Chinese as:
“If Tony Blair returns DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! Once is not enough.
By Order of the World Government (and all honolabril See-I-Effers)”
P.S. “We are no ronger rooking fowad to Tony Brair’s next big er**tion”
P.P.S.[With glatefrul thanks to the honoulable Arastair Campbell, the font of all ‘eference]